Fear

I saw a lover I hadn’t seen since before my mom passed. It was never very serious between us, just very lustful. We mostly made out and joked about his disdain for camping versus my history of living in a school bus in an apple orchard at one point in my life. We didn’t have much in common besides our attraction to one another.
Recently, we got together after not speaking for many months. We were close, catching up on life and death. When I told him my mom had passed, his demeanor changed. I told him it changed me in a way I couldn’t describe. I asked him if he’d ever had such an experience… He had no words. His eyes were wide with what seemed to be fear and understanding as he nodded, yes. The fear of touching that painful wound, I recognized that fearful look. Later on, as we snuggled, he whispered “I missed you…” with such sweetness. This was not a place we’d ever shared before, such sweetness.
I’m beginning to sense that those of us who are left with the grief of losing those close to us, are branded with an mark of knowing. Something changes when you lose that someone and those who’ve gone through it can nod in knowing. There are no words.

Now, I’m not sure if this encounter influenced my dreamworld, but I had very vivid dreams of my mom last night. I dreamed that I was laying with my mom in her hospital bed, many months after she had passed, possibly even the present time. She opened her eyes and came back to life, breathing and talking. I told her to be mindful of how she breathes as she hasn’t used her lungs in quite some time and then she just got up out of bed and began walking. I said “Mom! You died like 4 months ago, this is insane!”. I was in complete disbelief that she could just come back to life in the same physical body (somehow my mind left out the fact that she’d been cremated, but thats ok).

Ah memories.

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