Shifting

As I process a completed relationship, I think a lot about what I learned and what I could do differently and how I’ve grown… A great girlfriend sent me this piece of writing and I realize just how true it rings for me and how it really is time to redirect and let go of this characteristic in myself. I no longer want to fix, I want a partner to co create with. To do the work together and as singulars. To be great together and as singulars, to hold each other up when needed and cheer each other on. I don’t need to do the work for both of us anymore.

I am so much, not too much ♡

“I used to love being the heroine in my love stories.

I rescued men.

I went after the broken, the unavailable, the ones with their hearts duct taped in boxes and covered in cement, with my cape flapping and my heart beating red in my chest.

The ones fresh out of relationships, the ones who needed to have their hearts opened up by the right woman.

I was always sure I was that woman.

I would be the one to break their fear of commitment.

I would open their hearts.

I’m a healer, an Empath, a giver, a supporter–I give a damn about this world and the people that I meet, hard.

I love and live with all of me and in doing so open people around me daily.

I no longer want to wear that cape.

I took it off.

I took it off after a few years ago a man looked me dead in the eye and said, “Janne, I’m not strong enough to love you.”

I laughed at that and said, “I’ve got you babe. I’ll carry my mountain and your mountain, if you’re weak–I can carry us both.”

Then I got pregnant and I needed to be held in return, I wound up alone as I processed an abortion.

I was not strong enough to hold my mountain and I wished he would have showed up to carry me.

The following year, a man and friend I loved dearly, stopped–he exited living and although I tried my darnedest to support him at different points in our friendship and during the romantic time we had spent with one another–I didn’t save him.

Love can’t save us.

We save ourselves.

No matter how strong a connection is–someone has to choose to show up and do the work.

I am strong but I am not strong enough to carry two mountains.

Yes, at times in partnership we will spend time being weakened by life and need support, care and we will lean on one another but I am not super woman.

I am not super woman.
I am not super woman.
I am not super woman.

I am a woman ready to love someone who can stand alone and stand beside me.

My cape is hanging on a nail, ready for the other days I must fight in this world–but it will not be worn in love anymore.

I retire from rescuing.

I do not have the heart of strength in my bones to do so anymore.”
-M. Grether

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